Am doing this post after a roller coaster ride of mixed emotions.I have always wondered for those women who return back to career after 2 or 3 months after delivery,leaving the baby to some stranger.(Leaving with Grand parents did not bothered me much).
Here in Bahrain I know two Indian ladies who returned back to work soon after 60 days of child birth since it is only 45 days of maternity leave here.Arabs here are comfy leaving the baby to an maid of X country and join work,but for Indians i dont think it is easy,always a woman sacrifices her career,sometimes a promising one.
When in India I met my friend who sulked for not being able to spend time with baby and how naughty she is turning up and too much of weight loss,and all these are happening while she is away for work and baby lies with grannie and a maid.Though she had insisted to return back from work by 6 pm,those so called conference calls are eating her up while in home,and the dinner preparation,clearing up chores and throughout night feeding the baby all leaves her with no energy in morning and no time for her baby too.She feels life is hard on her and am sure she is not making justice to both the places.
Well,the very point of this post is talk about my sturdiness or madness or unwise decision,yes I have started leaving Ambuli to a babysitter,hoping I would get into my career again,and which is not certain till date.
I wanted her to get practised in the day care stuff, and yesterday was first day and I insisted to stay along with her under a condition that I will be away for 1 hour atelast.Its only 4 hrs am sending her to a stranger.
The day before yesterday i felt very anxious,uncertain,worried,sulky,madness and all these in a single go.I was okie yesterday when I stayed along with her and left for some grocery shopping for 1 hr and she did not had any trouble staying on with that lady.
And when I returned back,she did not even cared to take a look at me since she was busy playing.Then I was staying with her until 12:30 when we started,she was happy being in a new place with a company of other baby.
We came back home and she was very tired since she missed her morning sleep,we took her to that place around 8:30 and she was awake by then,she slept around 12:00 am on the previous day.
I prepared her khirchi and started feeding her, she took few spoons and started spitting,normally she eats atleast 25% of the bowl provided constant entertainment was ensured.
She wanted to nurse and I did and she slept for other 1.5 hrs.When she woke up she was in a tantrum mood and was crying for something which I could not understand,so cajoled her and when tried to feed again she spitted.Not sure as what to give her I emptied the bowl into bin.
She was okie to eat banana always and it helped.By this decision of sending her away from home for half day has spoilt her routine,but still today I decided to continue.
Morning I was completely feeling bitter to leave her there and come back home empty.She just woke up,and without bathing I carried her to babysitter,when i entered the place she was not even ready to get down,then I made her get down,and when I tried to go,she wanted follow me but that lady diverted her by calling her for a ball play.
When came out i felt heavy hearted,I know this is certainly not a word which can describe my feeling,my words are short for the feeling I experienced.
I was feeling bitter,paranoid,remorse and all those likely feelings of being a mom.I felt like crying but still I did not.I felt like i have been detached from something which was part of mine.
After coming home the feeling was worse,while i was doing dishes i was cursing myself for making noise,thinking she is sleeping.Even while sitting in front of laptop,am thinking she would cry waking up from sleep.
I feel there is a unexplainable connection between mother and baby always,every minute without her is very painful.Ambuli doesnt have much of stranger anxiety and can happily live with balls for a long time,but still how much she was with me so far is what bothering me.
After leaving her and coming back to car,i told DD what i felt and how it is daunting me,he told if you don’t feel like doing it, lets call for the end to the meaningless game which we are playing.
I wanted to call her every half an hour to get status update,the very sight of mobile tempts me to make a call,but i havent done anything until 9:30 am,and when i called she gave me a positive report that she had taken her milk upto 75% of her teeny sipper and finished her fruit yoghurt bowl in complete,this is something definitely more than and better than my job of feeding her.I know she would not cry or make big fuss bcoz she was not some baby who cannot leave mother for a while,she happily stayed with my in laws and mom when i had to borrow some personal time for my activities when in India.
But this lady is a stranger,to be frank she is not pretty stranger,we have seen her for quiet sometime,we had been to an outing with her and i have seen her in a kids get-together what we had here.Still i have an uncertain feel,i guess the only person to whom i can leave her to without any worry is my mom.
Am worried about ambuli’s sleep and the need for nursing,otherwise she should be perfectly fine.Also am not sure if she misses me as much as i do.
But somewhere at some point of time will that little mind think where amma is,whom had she left me with,what am i doing here,will amma come back to take me,will she fear that amma will not return or not,endless questions to myself.Being an Appa ia always easy and not the same for amma.
One year later she will have to be in play school,and am just starting this 1 year earlier,the fact of me returning to work is not confirmed is what seems to make this all pretty funny and a mockery.
Both of my sisters are completely against my decision of sending her to day care,my mom is feeling ok to send her.Hope things will all settle down soon.
Edited to add: Sorry for taking you all through this long rant,i was in such a foul mood that i poured out everything.
P.S: The other baby accompanying her just turned 1 year old yesterday and was sitting in Day care along with her,poor baby cannot even demand his mother to take an off on his first b’day.
April 26, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Oh I think u r the best judge as to what works fine with both of u. So, dnt be too hard on urself. Hope u feel better soon 🙂
April 26, 2010 at 3:32 pm
True after a long time of discussion this decision was made.But what creates angst and this kind of uncertainty is the delay on confirmation of job,probably if am into office instead of home,this would not have happened.Well am going to wait for some more time and do this as well.Thanks…
April 26, 2010 at 4:28 pm
feel better aa… its all matter of time… I have dropped Adi in a full day programme just a day after she landed in US. she was 2.5 yrs old at that time. I still remember her phillipino teacher asking me what does “amma vennum” means… she only says that all day… it took almost 2 to 3 months for her to get adjust to the school… she cried when we dropped in the morning and when the first parent comes to pick up in the evening… unlucky me one of the parent used to come at 3:30pm itself whereas I go by 5:15pm.
but after the 2-3 months she didn’t even bother to turn back to say bye or give a hug while picking up…
again its all matter of time and ambuli will be alright in couple of months… i have gone through this phase 2 years back… I am feeling heavy by reading this post.. It is pretty hard I say
April 26, 2010 at 5:01 pm
Thanks ani and am happy that you did that to her only @ 2.5.Ambuli doesnt have any problem going there,she goes there and adjust herself very well,only am worried and feeling paranoid.She ate well,even slept for 30 mins,is it not gr8? She adjusts with everyone,if balls are there and if you can play with her,she is the happiest kid in this world.
And i did received loads of kisses while picking her up in the afternoon.
April 26, 2010 at 5:25 pm
Oh I didn’t tell you that she was going to a half-day programme at India since she was 21 months old…
April 26, 2010 at 5:31 pm
How she reacted for it?
April 26, 2010 at 5:46 pm
she was okay… as usual crying initially but adjusted soon
April 26, 2010 at 5:54 pm
So what terrified her in US full day or strangers?
April 27, 2010 at 8:56 am
Padma,
My niece -she was also sent to the baby sitter the same age as what ambuli is now. First day she was a bit cranky- but later got used to the place and frankly her habits changed. She started to eat properly- play nicely. So dont worry – I know it is easy for us to say- not to worry- but still think that it is for her good.
VNV
April 27, 2010 at 9:50 am
Thanks,but she was not cranky,deprived of sleep,that may make her cranky.
Hope things will go smooth as i wish.
April 27, 2010 at 12:10 pm
Hey its really difficult initially i believe..but when baby gets adjusted well with the new environment you are assured that you don;t have to worry too much..so be patient and hold on your feelings for sometime..i know its difficult but still 🙂
April 27, 2010 at 2:55 pm
Thanks and its true..
April 27, 2010 at 1:57 pm
hey,dont worry .am sure she will settle down. and reg the decision to get back, there is no harm in trying to start early by getting her used to the day care.that gives you more time to concentrate and become more clearer on what you want. and if things dont work out, you could always try again a bit later. had seen ur blog earlier, somehow forgot to blogroll you. will do now. will keep coming back.
April 27, 2010 at 2:56 pm
Thank you so much MM.
April 27, 2010 at 3:46 pm
U r not alone……and dont worry, babies are more resilient than we give them credit for 🙂
U take care!!!!
April 27, 2010 at 4:42 pm
True i know myself many,and yes my girl is pretty elastic than what i think,she lived with stranger for 3 days continously for 4 hrs. without making any mess and eating more than what she did with me.
Thank u so much…
April 27, 2010 at 10:58 pm
Hang in there. It will get better soon. In fact it seems like Ambuli is doing a lo better than most babies do.
April 28, 2010 at 9:01 am
Yes am halting in the same stage,she is 200% better when compared to other babies.
April 28, 2010 at 9:40 am
dont worry, AA, in the beginning it is REALLY hard for us, but not so hard for the baby, because she is not think ing of it as much as we do, she cant even understand that much:)
dont worry, soon you will find that ambuli is actually doing better there than at home:)
April 28, 2010 at 9:53 am
Thanks Niv,am gathering strength!!
Not seen you for long time and also i read once you are keeping very busy with the baby.
April 29, 2010 at 8:03 am
Padma,
I guess you have got lots responses for this particular topic and that to all postive replies- So i guess you should feel better
April 29, 2010 at 10:04 am
Yes i am.
May 5, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Hey, this is always a tough decision ! I left my baby with my mom 6 months after delivery and worked till she turned 2. Now, I have quit working to spend more time with my kid !
Ultimately, you are the best judge !
Do what you feel is right for you ! Dont be influenced by what others think or say !
Kids are resilient! They will adapt ! Its just a matter of time !
But, it is for you to decide what you want !
Whatever it is, whatever you decide, do not feel guilty – thats the ultimate mantra.
Hope you are feeling much better now !
May 5, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Thank you for such a warm comment.