Am doing this post after a roller coaster ride of mixed emotions.I have always wondered for those women who return back to career after 2 or 3 months after delivery,leaving the baby to some stranger.(Leaving with Grand parents did not bothered me much).

Here in Bahrain I know two Indian ladies who returned back to work soon after 60 days of child birth since it is only 45 days of maternity leave here.Arabs here are comfy leaving the baby to an  maid of  X country and join work,but for Indians i dont think it is easy,always a woman sacrifices her career,sometimes a promising one.

When in India I met my friend who sulked for not being able to spend time with baby and how naughty she is turning up and too much of weight loss,and all these are happening while she is away for work and baby lies with grannie and a maid.Though she had insisted to return back from work by 6 pm,those so called conference calls are eating her up while in home,and the dinner preparation,clearing up chores and throughout night feeding the baby all leaves her with no energy in morning and no time for her baby too.She feels life is hard on her and am sure she is not making justice to both the places.

Well,the very point of this post is talk about my sturdiness or madness or unwise decision,yes I have started leaving Ambuli to a babysitter,hoping I would get into my career again,and which is not certain till date.

I wanted her to get practised in the day care stuff, and yesterday was first day and I insisted to stay along with her under a condition that I will be away for 1 hour atelast.Its only 4 hrs am sending her to a stranger.

The day before yesterday i felt very anxious,uncertain,worried,sulky,madness and all these in a single go.I was okie yesterday when I stayed along with her and left for some grocery shopping for 1 hr and she did not had any trouble staying on with that lady.

And when I returned back,she did not even cared to take a look at me since she was busy playing.Then I was staying with her until 12:30 when we started,she was happy being in a new place with a company of other baby.

We came back home and she was very tired since she missed her morning sleep,we took her to that place around 8:30 and she was awake by then,she slept around 12:00 am on the previous day.

I prepared her khirchi and started feeding her, she took few spoons and started spitting,normally she eats atleast 25% of the bowl provided constant entertainment was ensured.

She wanted to nurse and I did and she slept for other 1.5 hrs.When she woke up she was in a tantrum mood and was crying for something which I could not understand,so cajoled her and when tried to feed again she spitted.Not sure as what to give her I emptied the bowl into bin.

She was okie to eat banana always and it helped.By this decision of sending her away from home for half day has spoilt her routine,but still today I decided to continue.

Morning I was completely feeling bitter to leave her there and come back home empty.She just woke up,and without bathing I carried her to babysitter,when i entered the place she was not even ready to get down,then I made her get down,and when I tried to go,she wanted follow me but that lady diverted her by calling her for a ball play.

When came out i felt heavy hearted,I know this is certainly not a word which can describe my feeling,my words are short for the feeling I experienced.

I was feeling bitter,paranoid,remorse and all those likely feelings of being a mom.I felt like crying but still I did not.I felt like i have been detached from something which was part of mine.

After coming home the feeling was worse,while i was doing dishes i was cursing myself for making noise,thinking she is sleeping.Even while sitting in front of laptop,am thinking she would cry waking up from sleep.

I feel there is a unexplainable connection between mother and baby always,every minute without her is very painful.Ambuli doesnt have much of stranger anxiety and can happily live with balls for a long time,but still how much she was with me so far is what bothering me.

After leaving her and coming back to car,i told DD what i felt and how it is daunting me,he told if you don’t feel like doing it, lets call for the end to the meaningless game which we are playing.

I wanted to call her every half an hour to get status update,the very sight of mobile tempts me to make a call,but i havent done anything until 9:30 am,and when i called she gave me a positive report that she had taken her milk upto 75% of her teeny sipper and finished her fruit yoghurt bowl in complete,this is something definitely more than and better than my job of feeding her.I know she would not cry or make big fuss bcoz she was not some baby who cannot leave mother for a while,she happily stayed with my in laws and mom when i had to borrow some personal time for my activities when in India.

But this lady is a stranger,to be frank she is not pretty stranger,we have seen her for quiet sometime,we had been to an outing with her and i have seen her in a kids get-together what we had here.Still i have an uncertain feel,i guess the only person to whom i can leave her to without any worry  is my mom.

Am worried  about ambuli’s sleep and the need for nursing,otherwise she should be perfectly fine.Also am not sure if she misses me as much as i do.

But somewhere at some point of time will that little mind think where amma is,whom had she left me with,what am i doing here,will amma  come back to take me,will she fear that amma will not return or not,endless questions to myself.Being an Appa ia always easy and not the same for amma.

One year later she will have to be in play school,and am just starting this 1 year earlier,the fact of me returning to work is not confirmed is what seems to make this all pretty funny and a mockery.

Both of my sisters are completely against my decision of sending her to day care,my mom is feeling ok to send her.Hope things will all settle down soon.

Edited to add: Sorry for taking you all through this long rant,i was in such a foul mood that i poured out everything.

P.S: The other baby accompanying her just turned 1 year old yesterday and was sitting in Day care along with her,poor baby cannot even demand his mother to take an off on his first b’day.